I've kept this draft in for the longest time, and well now the long-awaited post is finally out.

It was hard, it was a struggle. Each time I'm back to this post my heart sinks a little.

I know people still do read my blog despite removing links from other platforms (Stats & Texts don't lie)

And for those who didn't dare to approach me on this topic, it's what you see. His face no longer appears on Instagram and our photos are removed everywhere - Yvonne is single, yes.

 

Reminder: while I try to be objective I tend to write what's seen from my side
 

So what happened?

That's something I still can't find a concrete answer to. I would say it's a combination of personality mismatch, different perceptions on (many) issues, conflicting idea(s) of romance, etc. Trust me, I can go on and on about it but to summarize it: We gave up trying. Initially, it was agreed to be a "us against the world" thing, somewhere along the line this agreement ended; we were fighting each other, not any problem that came. Admittedly, we were merely waiting for the other person to initiate this breakup - we knew this was coming for us, we just didn't know when. And from my pov we can't deny we were slowly moving on while still staying as a status. Slowly we drifted apart, we had misaligned priorities and our ego took the better of us. People close to me could tell I was tired fighting this battle: I got negative (way too negative that he chose to let go) I cry almost everyday sometimes I even break down in public because I was this worn out. And before we start playing the blame game, mind you, he did not cause all this. It was a battle between my mind & heart. JC makes me happy. It's as if he knew me for years, he knows my train of thoughts so well sometimes it scares me. I feel comfortable, at ease everytime I talk to him. And at that point of time short-lived happiness meant more than anything to me. I've always loved him as my friend:  his spontaneity, his use of words (lol, that's how I fell for him then too), his presence. I thought I could keep him forever. The only regret was having too much emotional dependence on someone who stopped reciprocating.

What happened after that?

True enough, the first stage was denial. Surprisingly I didn't stay there for too long. Truth to be told, I never seen a future with him. In those months I was constantly battling between if we try hard enough we could make things work and it's not gonna work out. Nevertheless, I always had him into consideration when I make plans. That very night when he left I stood alone not knowing what my next moves are. Without sleeping a wink, I let my mind wander. Silly enough, I went down the next day asking for another chance and he said no (thankfully) Still, I asked for a favor: for him to continue texting me while I get through finals. That deal called off in less than a week: I knew for sure he was doing it out of obligations and... well, yeah, someone came in & taught me how much more I actually deserve. 

Even after the breakup I told myself to be mindful of my actions. Contrary to what you (this i'm referring to anyone who only heard partial side of the story, not in particular anyone) believe, I chose not to let anyone know about anything other than my mom. Because I wasn't ready, and I knew everything I said then would be biased. At that point of time I was having so much guilt I shut all other opportunities that came. Until one day, this 'friend' of mine (hur, ours) came and told me to "stop feeling this way because he's doing so well" Usually I would not probe (I didn't want anything to do with him anymore) but that day I asked why. Indeed "walls have ears" and I couldn't believe what I've heard. While I don't deny there's certain level of truths in some things he said, I couldn't bring myself to believe all the fabrications after. Not only was I angry (not rage, not fume), but a large part of me was disappointed - I should have seen this coming knowing his character but I guess no matter how mentally prepared you are, when it comes, it hits you before you know. I guess I remained pretty calm in my comeback considering my reckless and irrational character. I wasn't in the favor of revenge, neither did I bother defending myself. And while some of you may say I'm stubborn / stupid,  I told myself not to believe unless I have heard (seen) with my own ears (eyes)

So friends, if you care, please, stop showing/telling me stuff I choose not to know. Don't get me wrong, not that I haven't come to terms with it, it's just... A very unhealthy habit and it's not gonna do me any good, isn't it.

Do I have any regrets? Nah, not really. Whatever decisions I made then seemed right to me, at least at that point of time. And I wouldn't be ashamed to say I was the one who got dumped. In fact, I'm happy. It's because he knew I would be happier if I wasn't in a relationship that he chose to (painfully, or not) let go.

What do I have on mind now?
I know on my part if anything happens to him or if one day he ever needs a listening ear, I would be there. I've always believed people come into your life for a purpose - if we can't be together, we can still be friends. And that's the reason why I'm still in contact with my exes.

Myself, I feel assured when people tell me I'm definitely a lot more cheerful now. Life has been kind to me so far and it seemed like I've got everything back on track again - studies, piano, friends, family, myself.

I don't know how people find the courage to get into another relationship so fast but I definitely do not have any intention of dating at this very moment. As far as I know, I deserve better in time to come. While I'm glad there were people who (daringly) stepped into this phase of my life, right now I don't think I deserve to be loved. Well, as cliché as it sounds, if it's meant to be, it will be.

I love you all, good luck.